A man walks into a bar and orders a 10 year old scotch. The bartender, believing that the customer will not be able to tell the difference, pours him a shot of the cheap 2 year old house scotch that has been poured into an empty bottle of the good stuff.

The man takes a sip and spits the scotch out on the bar and reams the bartender. This is the cheapest 2 year old scotch you can buy. I’m not paying for it. Now, give me a good 10 year old scotch.

The bartender, now feeling a bit of a challenge, pours him a scotch of much better quality, 5 year-old scotch. The man takes a sip and spits it out on the bar. This is only 5 year old scotch. I won’t pay for this, and I insist on, a good, 10 year old scotch.

The bartender finally relents and serves the man his best quality, 10 year-old scotch.

An old drunk from the end of the bar, who has witnessed the entire episode, walks down to the finicky scotch drinker and sets a glass down in front of him and asks, What do you think of this?

The scotch expert takes a sip, and in disgust, violently spits out the liquid yelling Why, this tastes like piss,

The old drunk replies, That’s right, now tell me how old I am.

A husband desperate to end an argument offers to buy is wife a new diamond ring. She curtly declines his offer by saying, That’s not quite what I had in mind.

Frantically he offers her a new house. Again she rejects his offer, That’s not quite what I had in mind.

Curious, he asks What did you have in mind?

She retorts, I’d like a divorce.

He answers, I hadn’t planned on spending quite that much.

Quiz: How can you keep an idiot busy for hours?

Ans: Give him a piece of paper with please turn over written on both sides.

On Christmas morning a cop on horseback is sitting at a traffic light, and next to him is a kid on his shiny new bike. The cop says to the kid, Nice bike you got there. Did Santa bring that to you?

The kid says, Yeah.

The cop says, Well, next year tell Santa to put a tail light on that bike. The cop then proceeds to issue the kid a $10 bicycle safety violation ticket.

The kid takes the ticket and before he rides off says, By the way, that’s a nice horse you got there. Did Santa bring that to you?

Humoring the kid, the cop says, Yeah, he sure did.

The kid says, Well, next year tell Santa to put the dick underneath the horse, instead of on top.

A doctor had just finished a marathon sex session with one of his patients. He was resting afterward and was feeling a bit guilty because he thought it wasn’t really ethical to screw one of his patients.

However, a little voice in his head said lots of other doctors also have sex with their patients so you’re not the first

This made the doctor feel a little bit better until still another voice in his head said, but they probably weren’t veterinarians?