How to always give 100% at work? Let me explain…

15% Monday
20% Tuesday
40% Wednesday
20% Thursday
5% Friday

Little Johnny is taking a shower with his mother and says, Mom, what are those things on your chest!? Unsure of how to reply, she tells Johnny to ask his dad at breakfast tomorrow, quite certain the matter would be forgotten.

Johnny didn’t forget. The following morning he asked his father the same question. His father, always quick with the answers, says, Why Johnny, those are balloons. When your mommy dies, we can blow them up and she’ll float to heaven. Johnny thinks that’s neat and asks no more questions.

A few weeks later, Johnny’s dad comes home from work a few hours early. Johnny runs out of the house crying hysterically, Daddy! Daddy! Mommy’s dying!!! His father says, Calm down son! Why do you think Mommy’s dying? Uncle James is blowing up Mommy’s balloons and she’s screaming, Oh God, I’m coming!

Three men walk into a bar.

After they drink a couple of beers they are ready to leave, but the bartender won’t let them unless they have 11 inches of dick between them.

The first guy whips his out and shows 6 inches.

The second guy drops his pants and shows 4 inches.

Finally, the third guy shows his 1 inch dick.

The bartender says Ok, thats 11 inches you can go

As the’re walking away the first guy said to the third, Thank god you had a boner or we’d still be there

A girl and a guy started to have sex in the middle of a dark forest.

After 15 minutes of this, the guy finally gets up and says, Damn, I wish I had a flashlight.

The girl says, So do I. You’ve been eating grass for the past 15 minutes!

A girl calls her boss one morning and tells him that she is staying home because she is not feeling well.

What’s the matter? he asks.

I have a case of anal glaucoma, she says in a weak voice.

What the hell is anal glaucoma?

I can’t see my ass coming into work today.