That wife of mine is a liar, said the angry husband to a sympathetic pal seated next to him at the bar.

How do you know? the friend asked.

She didn’t come home last night, and when I asked her where she’d been, she said that she had spent the night with her sister, Sarah. And I know that’s a lie because I spent the night with her sister, Sarah.

A lesbian goes to her doctor for her annual physical.

After the doctor completes the physical, she says, You can get dressed now. Your test results will be back in a few days. Stop by my office and I’ll review the exam I just gave you.

When the patient gets to the office, the doctor says, Well, you seem to be in perfect health. I couldn’t find a thing wrong in my exam. Furthermore, I’d like to compliment you on your excellent personal hygiene. I have hundreds of patients, and I can’t think of a one of them who keeps her genital area so clean and fresh.

The patient says, Well, there’s a perfectly good reason for that you see, I have a woman in at least three times a week.

Russian President Putin called President Bush with an emergency, Our largest condom factory has exploded, the Russian President cried. My people’s favorite form of birth control. This is a true disaster!

Mr. Putin, the American people would be happy to do anything within their power to help you, replied the President. I do need your help, said Putin. Could you possibly send 1,000,000 condoms asap to tide us over? Why certainly! I’ll get right on it, said Bush. Oh, and one more small favor, please? said Putin.

Yes? Could the condoms be red in color and at least 10′ long and 4′ in diameter? said Putin. No problem, replied the President and, with that, George Dubya hung up and called the President of Freecondoms.com. I need a favor, you’ve got to send 1,000,000 condoms right away over to Russia. Consider it done, said the President of Freecondoms.com. Great Now listen, they have to be red in color, 10′ long and 4′ wide. Easily done. Anything else? Yeah, said the President, print MADE IN AMERICA, SIZE SMALL on each one.

A guy finally gets a date with a blonde. To prepare for the date he sunbathes in the nude on his roof, falls asleep and burns his manhood.

He doesn’t want to cancel so he slathers it with lotion and wraps it in gauze. The blonde shows up at his house, and he treats her to a home cooked dinner.

Afterwards they go to the living room to watch a movie. His manhood starts to bother him again so he excuses himself, goes into the kitchen, pours a glass of milk and immerses himself for immediate relief.

The blonde, however, wanted to know what he was doing and walks in on him with his Johnson in the milk and exclaims, So that’s how you guys load those things!

This woman walks into a tatoo shop and asks for a tatoo of a christmas tree on her right inner thigh and a cocktail drink on her left inner thigh.

The tatoo artist say thats an unusual request. why do you want these two tatoos there?

So she says because my husband needs to eat between christmas and new years.