This one guy was in the bar. He was really hammered. All of a sudden he throws up on his shirt. He goes to the bartender and says, My wife will kill me when she finds out i got so drunk i threw up on my shirt.

The bartender says, Well this is what you do, you put 5 dollars in your shirt pocket and tell her someone else threw up on your shirt and gave you 5 dollars to get it cleaned

He goes home and tells his wife what happened. She looks in his shirt pocket and says, But this is a 10 dollar bill

He says, Oh yeah, I forgot to mention, he also shit my pants.

In a hospital room, there was a man resting on the bed with an oxygen mask on. When the nurse came in the room to open the blinds, the man asked her, Are my testicles black?

To which she replied, I don’t know, I am only here to open the blinds.

The man asked her again, Are my testicles black? And he kept asking until he got on her nerves so much, that she finally unzipped his hospital gown, looked down there, checked under them, and said, They are fine.

With a confused look on his face, he took of his mask, and shouted, I said, are my TEST RESULTS BACK?

Three women were stuck in a castle a blonde, brunette, and a black haired

The king says if they can say one true fact about them, they can leave however, if they say something false, they will go to hell

The brunette said i think i am the most beautiful one she left

The black haired one said i think i am the smarter one she left

The blonde said i think…. then she disappeared to hell

Two blondes are walking in the woods when one spots tracks and says, hey look, bear tracks! to which the other blonde replies, no those are deer tracks! they argue for about an hour.

Next morning, news headlines two blondes, killed by train

First Lady: Do you watch your husbands face while making love?

Second Lady: I did once & saw anger.

First Lady: why?

Second Lady: Because he was watching from the window