While her husband was lying down, his wife removed his glasses. You know, honey, she said sweetly, Without your glasses you look like the same handsome young man I married.

Honey, he replied with a grin, Without my glasses, you still look pretty good too!

A drunk walked into a bar crying. One of the other men in the bar asked him what happened.

I did a terrible thing, sniffed the drunk, Just a few hours ago I sold my wife to someone for a bottle of Southern Comfort.

That is awful, said the other guy, And now that she is gone you want her back right?

Right! said the drunk, still crying.

You’re sorry you sold her because you realized, too late, that you still loved her, right?

Oh, No, said the drunk. I want her back because I’m thirsty again!

A man at the doctors:

Doctor I have diarrhea and it won’t go away

Did you try using a lemon?

Yes I did, but when I removed it, it started again!

Honey, said the husband to his wife, I invited a friend home for supper.

What? Are you crazy? The house is a mess, I haven’t been shopping, all the dishes are dirty, and I don’t feel like cooking a fancy meal

I know all that.

Then why did you invite a friend for supper?

Because the poor fool’s thinking about getting married.

It was coming up to Christmas and the Judge was in a jolly frame of mind.

Now then, please tell me, what is the charge against you?

I was caught doing my Christmas shopping very early. replied the man in the dock.

That doesn’t seem like an offence to me. What do you mean by ‘very early?

Well, your Honour, said the defendant, “It was before the shop was open.”