A boy went to a brain store to get some brain to pass an annual exam. He sees a sign remarking on the quality of professional brain offered at this particular brain store.

He begins to question the salesman about the cost of these brains.

How much does it cost for architect brain?

$10 an ounce.

How much does it cost for IT professional brain?

$15 an ounce.

How much for lawyer brain?

$500 an ounce.

Why is lawyer brain so much more?

Do you know how many lawyers we had to kill to get one ounce of brain?

A man was crossing a road one day when a frog called out to him and said, If you kiss me, I’ll turn into a beautiful princess. He bent over, picked up the frog, and put it in his pocket.

The frog spoke up again and said, If you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful princess, I will be your loving companion for an entire week. The man took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it, and returned it to his pocket.

The frog then cried out, If you kiss me and turn me back into a princess, I’ll stay with you for a year and do anything you want. Again the man took the frog out, smiled at it, and put it back into his pocket.

Finally, the frog asked, What is the matter? I’ve told you I’m a beautiful princess, that I’ll stay with you for a year and do anything you want. Why won’t you kiss me?

The guy said, Look, I’m a computer programmer. I don’t have time for a girlfriend, but a talking frog is cool.

A young businessman had just started his own firm. He rented a beautiful office and had it furnished with antiques. Sitting there, he saw a man come into the outer office. Wishing to appear the hot shot, the businessman picked up the phone and started to pretend he had a big deal working.

He threw huge figures around and made giant commitments. Finally he hung up and asked the visitor, Can I help you?

The man said, Yeah, I’ve come to activate your phone lines.

With the help of a fertility specialist, a 70 year old woman has a baby. All her relatives come to visit and meet the newest member of their family. When they ask to see the baby, the old woman says, Not yet.

A little later they ask to see the baby again. Again the mother says, Not yet.

Finally they say, When can we see the baby?

And the mother says, When the baby cries.

So they ask, Why do we have to wait until the baby cries?

The new mother says, I forgot where I put it.

A man walks into a bar and orders a 10 year old scotch. The bartender, believing that the customer will not be able to tell the difference, pours him a shot of the cheap 2 year old house scotch that has been poured into an empty bottle of the good stuff.

The man takes a sip and spits the scotch out on the bar and reams the bartender. This is the cheapest 2 year old scotch you can buy. I’m not paying for it. Now, give me a good 10 year old scotch.

The bartender, now feeling a bit of a challenge, pours him a scotch of much better quality, 5 year-old scotch. The man takes a sip and spits it out on the bar. This is only 5 year old scotch. I won’t pay for this, and I insist on, a good, 10 year old scotch.

The bartender finally relents and serves the man his best quality, 10 year-old scotch.

An old drunk from the end of the bar, who has witnessed the entire episode, walks down to the finicky scotch drinker and sets a glass down in front of him and asks, What do you think of this?

The scotch expert takes a sip, and in disgust, violently spits out the liquid yelling Why, this tastes like piss,

The old drunk replies, That’s right, now tell me how old I am.