Why do women rub their eyes when they wake up?

Because they don’t have balls to scratch.

A new bride was a bit embarrassed to be known as a honeymooner. So when she and her husband pulled up to the hotel, she asked him if there was any way that they could make it appear that they had been married a long time. He responded, “Sure. You carry the suitcases!”

A lady calls the police to report her husband is missing. The police arrive and ask for a description. She tells them he’s 6 foot 2 inches tall, blonde wavy hair and has a smile that makes everybody love him. The police then go to the next door neighbor to verify this report and the lady next door tells the police, “You can’t believe her. He’s 5 foot 4 inches tall, has no hair and he wears a perpetual frown on his face.” The neighbor then goes and asks the lady why she gave the police such a false report. She replies, “Just because I reported him missing, doesn’t mean I wanted him back!”

Teacher: You aren’t paying attention to me. Are you having trouble hearing?

Student: No, teacher I’m having trouble listening!

The principal was very proud of his school’s academic record.

It is very impressive. said one parent who was considering sending his son there. How do you maintain such high standards?

Simple, said the principal. The school motto says it all.

What’s that? asked the parent.

If at first you don’t succeed, you’re expelled.